I think this upcoming week will basically be the worst week ever for this quarter (minus finals week, duhh.) I have two midterms, a chapter test, presentation and oral test for Chinese and a psych paper. Eff my life, much? But at least all this all falls the week before MY BIRTHDAY! I'm going to be 21. Finally. Although there's not much I would do besides being able to buy alcohol. I'm having my first ever party this Saturday. My own legit college birthday party. Let's please keep our fingers crossed for fun times. I invited way too many people but I had this overwhelming fear that no one would show up. I'm expecting 50-60ish people, so we'll see. I told my mom and I specifically told her I'd buy "drinks," but I don't think she understood what I was saying. She asked me how I could possibly feed so many people and suggested buying Costco pizza. But then before she hung up, she advised me not to get drunk and drink juice instead. So who knows. I'm such an effing people pleaser because I'm mainly worried about what other people will think. I'm worried about what music to play, what drinks to get, blah blah blah...what the eff ever, it's my birthday, I DO WHAT I WANT.

do you know that feeling that things are going really well but you have this other nagging feeling that it's not going to last?

insecurities will be the death of me.

just a series of blurs

I recently had a dream about a best friend I had in middle school. The dream itself was ridiculous, but the emotions in it felt so real. I miss that girl a lot. I haven't spoken to her in years. We used to write endless letters, talked for hours and even during middle school, we were extremely honest to each other about sex and boys. Not that I exactly understood how sex worked, but I've been after boys my whole life. Anyway, in the dream, I was telling her how much I missed her and how I've been trying to reach her for so long. It made me think of all the other friends I don't talk to anymore. I used to have a new best friend every year. Eventually, I just got tired of the same person, which sounds awful, but I guess my attention span was only so long back then. (Well, actually, some things never change.) I want to say that you realize who your true friends are as time goes by, but I also feel like that's just not fair. That seems to make the moments that I shared with them so insignificant. Those moments where we spent hours on the phone, hours in front of the TV, hours doing whatever it is to make the bond closer meant a lot at the time. So what happened? How do best friends drift apart like that? How do the most comfortable moments become the most awkward? It happens to everyone. Rarely do people remain best friends with the same person since kindergarten. I just hope that the people who I consider my closest friends now will still be my closest friends when college is over. It already breaks my heart to think that perhaps they might just be another memory of my past.

'tis life.

fool

I learned through my own experiences and my experiences with others that in the end, people will do what they choose to do, regardless of the endless advice being fed to them. I have given advice until my voice is coarse, only to repeat myself several days, weeks, months later, once again to no avail. But I'm not being bitter. I, too, have been in the same situation and understand the desire to make my own mistakes because I so desperately hope things will be different the second time around. Then there's the third, fourth, fifth and so on, time around when you fool me once, shame on you; you fool me twice, no one's going to try and help anymore. I am your friend. I will always be here for you to pick up the pieces. Is it so hard to understand that I'm trying to prevent the pieces from falling to begin with? It's so frustrating to see your most heartfelt advice fall on deaf ears. But like I said, I have been on the same boat. It's human nature, I suppose, to always want to see how things turn out for yourself. So that "maybe" and "what if" finally has a conclusion, regardless of whether it turns out the way everyone already said it would turn out or not.

So I have decided. Starting now, I'm not going to give advice that goes nowhere. I'll listen. I'll ask questions. But in the end, as always, it's up to you to decide what's right for you. No one wants an "I told you so" person (although it's extremely tempting sometimes). Don't make the same mistake twice. But, sighhh, I'll still be here for you when you do.

maybe

This quarter started out so strong. I did so well on all my midterms and now I'm already slowly sliding downhill. I guess I became too comfortable, thinking I can pull everything off without trying. My life needs to start revolving around the library and coffee shops again.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe

It breaks my heart, this cliche, overused quote. I have learned in this past year that my optimism and trust has disappointed me, has fooled me and has overall made me a naive person. My desperate grasp for attention and flattery has put me in situations that I never seem to learn from. My "starting now" points can only be repeated so many times before no one takes me seriously anymore. There's a reality about this world that I either don't want to accept or that I am honestly ignorant to. I just want to have fun, make new friends all with the notion that no one will want to hurt me anymore than I want to hurt them. We're all nice people, right? We all have good intentions, we all are searching for the same wonderful goals in life. Right? Let's build a utopia, where ignorant bliss isn't necessary for people to be happy and everyone's cheerful smile isn't hiding ulterior motives.

I'm not in a rut right now. As of yet, my life is smooth and running. I'm just imagining specific people that I have run into in my life that I have improperly characterized. I am an awful judge of character. Unless you prove me wrong, I will think you are a good person.

False.

I made physical contact today with an N'Syncer. Sighh, no, it was not Justin Timberlake, but I touched slash high-fived slash almost holding hands with JC Chasez, the next best thing. It was quite exciting, regardless of the fact that I am almost 21 and N'Sync no longer exists.

I went with Swirv to see America's Best Dance Crew today. Sooooo random. I actually only met Swirv once about three days ago and I even told him that I was skeptical about hanging out with someone I didn't know very well, but it turned out really fun. Watch it on Thursday, I might be on TV! Actually, maybe don't watch it...I might be on TV. I looked like a mess because I didn't even come home to change or anything, while others were dressed like they were going clubbing in Vegas. Plus, I just swayed around awkwardly. I had no idea the filming was so tedious. It's funny because about a year ago, I went with Stacy to LA to go to the Craig Ferguson show because Mario Lopez was a guest and we ended up not making it in. A year or so later, I am back in LA, trying to catch a glimpse of Mario Lopez again. That boy is adorable, but he's most likely one of those male divas that gets angry easily. Plus, he has great dimples (That's right, Crystal.)

I got a 97.3% on my Stats midterm! I was extremely gleeful. I only got an 83% on my perception midterm, which is kind of a bummer because I thought I did better.

I'm enjoying life, enjoying school (and thank god actually doing well, too) and meeting good people.

Thanks, 11:11.

I had an epiphany today.

Well. It's something I've already realized, it's something I've already known about myself, and it's something I have apparently made no effort to stop. So here's to (hopefully) a new start.

This quarter is going well. I've been studying, I've been feeling good about my classes. Let's just see how long I can keep this going. Have faith!

I bought Sloppy Firsts and Charmed Thirds today. I thought I was only missing Second Helpings, but apparently there are five parts to this series, so I'll probably end up buying the rest on amazon. It's so nostalgic reading Sloppy Firsts again.

I just want to clarify.
I am not Japanese.
but I probably am too touchy for my own good.
and probably yours.

I look into his face and he looks back. I look into his eyes and they look back at mine. Then they look down at my mouth so I look at his mouth, then back to his eyes then, backing up, at his whole face. I think, Who? Who are you? His head tilts to one side.
I say, "Who are you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing."
I look at his eyes again, deeper. Can't tell who he is, what he thinks.
"What?" he says. I look at his mouth.
"I'm just wondering," I say and go wandering across his face. Study the chin line. It's shaped like a persimmon.
"Who are you? What are you thinking?"
He says, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Lust & other stories.

25 facts about meeeee

People are doing this on facebook, but I'm just going to do this here.

This is me.

1. I love watching shows on USA and TNT. Especially if it's Law & Order or House.
2. I listen to songs I like on repeat. Repeatedly.
3. I make wishes at 11:11. I get disappointed when I miss it.
4. I have good friends. You know who you are. <3
5. I think this quarter will be a good one. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
6. I am a lovey drunk. That stuff gets me in trouble.
7. I bite my nails a lot. It's been increasingly harder since I got my braces on, but I still adamantly chew them. (My braces are coming off in March!)
8. I can talk about boys and relationships all day. It's what I do best.
9. Shawn Harris will always be my epitome of perfect.
10. I don't like strenuous activity and am basically a very lazy person.
11. I have an unhealthy obsession with microwave foods. This and the previous fact will probably result in a premature death.
12. I am knocking on wood so that I do not die from a premature death.
13. I always need to bring a bottle of water with me to class.
14. I really like being a psych major.
15. I love reading romance novels. I love anything to do with romance. Sweep me off my feet.
16. I love wearing sweat pants and t-shirts.
17. I am very awkward in social situations.
18. I am easily amused, but sometimes I inappropriately laugh at topics that are not meant to be amusing. This causes people to give me shifty eyes.
19. I am a generally trusting person. Some people may call this being gullible.
20. I wear the same bracelets every day. I feel naked without them.
21. I take medication every morning for my hypothyroidism.
22. I always set my alarms on odd numbers, but usually mostly 3 or 7 (like 1:47 PM).
23. I sleep too much. It's getting better though.
24. I like texting.
25. I am turning 21 in less than a month. I hope it's memorable.